Funny Video Guy - Jokes Page

One time there was a blonde walking down the road when she saw a brunette on the railroad by the road jumping from rail to rail while repeating - "Thirtyone, Thirtyone, Thirtyone, Thirtyone...". So the blonde decides to join her. After a minute, a train comes by. The brunette jumps off but the blonde is smashed by the train. Once the train passed by, the brunette got back on the track, jumped from rail to rail and started repeating - "Thirty two, thirtytwo, thirtytwo..." -

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One day, a man decides to to go to the Funeral home to look at their coffins. "Well, here's our selection." the owner says. After a minute, the man found one he likes because it has wheels. "Hey, can I try this coffin out and get in it?" he asked. "Um, sure, I guess." the owner replies. He sat in it for a second, and when he started to get out, the lid fell over him and locked shut. Then, the coffin began to roll towards the front door. I goes through the door and rolls on to the street. It rolls all the way down the road to the old pharmacy. It crashes through the front door, down the isle, and hits the back wall, which pops it open. The man leans up, looks at the pharmacist, and asks, "Hey Doc, you got anything to stop this coffin?" -

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A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. "Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "Nope, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

-

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Worst pickup lines
Your right leg is christmas your left leg is thanksgiving can I meet you in between the holidays. -

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Three Drunk Men

These three guys got together one day and were talking about how drunk they got at a party the night before.

The first guy said, 'Man I was so drunk last night I went home and blew chunks.'

The second guy said, 'Man that was nothing I was so drunk last night I was driving home and I got my DWI.'

The third guy says, 'Man that was nothing. I was so drunk last night I was driving home and I picked up a prostitute and my wife caught us in bed.'

Then the first guy said, 'No -- you guys don't understand! Chunks is my dog!' -

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Sunday School Daze

Mary can't stand Sunday school, but her brother William doesn't have a problem with it. So one day in Sunday school, Mary thinks, "The hell with it," and decides to go to sleep. The teacher sees this and asks Mary a question to keep her awake.

"Mary, who created the heavens and the earth?"

William, who is sitting behind Mary, pokes her in the butt with his pencil. Mary wakes up and shouts, "God almighty!"

And the teacher says, "Yes. That's correct, Mary."

Mary goes back to sleep and the teacher asks her another question.

"Who died on the cross for our sins?"

William pokes Mary again. She wakes up and shouts, "Jesus Christ!"

Once again, she goes back to sleep. This time the teacher asks, "Mary, what was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"

William pokes her again. Mary wakes up and shouts, "If you don't stop poking me with that thing, I'm gonna break it off!" -

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Share and Share Alike

An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant. They order one hamburger, one order of fries and one drink.

The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife. He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them. As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man replies that they''re just fine - they''re just used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn''t eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them.

This time the old woman says "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

As the old man finishes and wipes his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks "May I ask what is it you are waiting for?"

The old woman answers... "THE TEETH." -

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Heaven and Hell

John and Bob were inseparable childhood friends . One night, they both died in a terrible car accident.

When John woke up in heaven, he began to search for Bob but could not find him anywhere. Very distraught, he ran to St.Peter and said, "St.Peter, I know Bob was killed in that accident with me, but I can't find him!"

St. Peter said, "My son, I am sorry to tell you Bob didn''t make it to Heaven."

This upset John so much that St. Peter agreed to let him see Bob one more time. St. Peter parted the clouds and John saw Bob sitting in hell with a keg on one side and a beautiful buxom blonde on the other.

John looked at St. Peter skeptically and said, "Are you sure I'm in the right place?"

'My son,' St. Peter said, 'looks can be deceiving. You see that keg of beer? It has a hole in it. You see that woman? She doesn't!' -

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Harley-Hoover

What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirtbag. -

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Blonde in Pain

A blonde told her doctor that she was really worried because every part of her body hurt.

The doctor looked concerned and said, "Show me where."

The blonde touched her own arm and screamed, "Ouch!"

Then she touched her leg and screamed, "Ouch!"

She touched her nose and cried, "Ouch!"

She looked at her doctor and said, "See? It hurts everywhere!"

The doctor laughed and said, "Don't worry; it's not serious. The finger you are pointing with is broken." -

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Top Ten Worst Pick-up Lines

10. That shirt is very becoming on you. Then again if I were on you I would be coming too.

9. F me if I'm wrong, but is your name Frank?

8. The word of the day is legs, let's go back to my car and spread the word.

7. If your left leg is Thanksgiving and your right leg is Christmas, can we meet between the holidays?

6. You look lost, would you like directions to my bed?

5. Good news! You're having my baby!

4. Hi, my name is Zeus, would you like to be my goddess?

3. Are you a thief? Because I just met you and you've already stolen my heart.

2. I lost my phone number can I have yours?

1. If I told you you have a beautiful body would I hold it against me! -

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An Ugly Kid

What sexual position would you use to make an ugly kid?

Ask your mom. -

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Juicy squirt

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!" -

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A Greater Insult

A biker walks into a yuppie bar and shouts, 'All lawyers are a**holes!' He looks around, obviously hoping for a challenge.

Finally a guy comes up to him, taps him on the shoulder, and says, 'Take that back.'

The biker says, 'Why? Are you a lawyer?'

'No, I?m an a**hole.' -

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Fratboy

Q: What do you call a fratboy in a suit?
A: The defendant. -

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Fruit

Q: What do you call a bunch of gay guys standing on a line?
A: Fruit by the foot. -

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No Arms and No Legs

Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs laying on a sheet of canvas.

A: Mark.
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No Arms and No Legs

Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool.

A: Bob.
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The Stupid Nomad

A man is riding aimlessly through the desert on a donkey. He is not hungry or thirsty, because he has a bottomless bowl of fruit. He wanders for about a week and eventually gets pretty horny. He gets to the point where he can't stand it anymore. So he decides to try and have sex with the donkey.

He drops his pants and positions himself under the donkey. But, to his dismay, the donkey walks away. Only slightly discouraged, the man decides to try again. He walks to where the donkey is standing, positions himself under the donkey, and right before he goes for it, the donkey walks away again. Now the man is getting frustrated.

As he prepares for his third and final try, he sees a vision. A beautiful, naked woman appears out of nowhere. She approaches the stunned man, who until recently, believed that he was the only person for hundreds of miles. She smiles at him and says, ''I would do anything for that bowl of fruit you have."

''Anything?'' he says, getting fairly excited.

''Yes, anything.'' she replies.

So he says, ''Will you hold the donkey!?'' -

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nice to be member of this group.
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The Drill Sergeant

The platoon is lined up for inspection. The sergeant is right in a private's face, 'STAND UP STRAIGHT, SUCK IN THAT GUT.'

The private defiantly stares at the segeant for a moment, clenches his hands together, and shouts back 'YES, SIR.'

The sergeant says, 'YOU REALLY HATE ME DON'T YOU PRIVATE? WHEN I DIE YOU'LL COME TO TAKE A PISS ON MY GRAVE? WON'T YOU PRIVATE?'

'SIR! NO SIR! WHEN I GET OUT OF THE ARMY I'M NOT GOING TO STAND AND WAIT IN A LINE EVER AGAIN!' -

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A Lonely Jew in Catholic School

A Jewish student was doing well in school in all subjects except for Math. So his parents decide to send him to a private Catholic school.
While there the boy came home from school and studied every day. At the end of the marking period the boy got straight A's. So his parents asked him, "What motivated you to do so well in school?"

He replied, "When I saw that guy nailed to a plus sign I knew they weren't fooling around!" -

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There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field. She was in a boat rowing, with no water in sight. The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, ?What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!? -

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A piece of rope walks into the bar. Sits down and asks for a drink. The bartender tells him "we don't serve to pieces of rope." The rope is then asked to leave. While outside the rope ties itself into a knot and frayes its ends and goes back into the bar. The bartender says "Aren't you the piece of rope I just kicked out of here?" The rope replies "Nope, I'm a frayed knot." -

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A man walks into the bar - and he rubs his head and says "ouch" -

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Why do blondes hate m&m's - because they are too hard to peel. -

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Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it. -

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How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle? Shine a flashlight in her ear. -

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Yo Momma so fat u gotta take two trains and a bus to get on her good side. -

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Yo Momma so fat when she sits around the house she really sits around the house. -

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Funny Video Guy